The Outspoken Mom Blog

Being carried through life

Good Morning All!

My girls went downstairs to play so, I have a quick moment alone so, thought I would seize the moment and blog!

Have you ever been so confused with your life you just sit there and go hmmmmm?  As many of you know, we have been having problems with our son in school again this year!  After having a good year last year, he is back to stressing out and lashing out in school and it is breaking my heart.  My son has a hard exterior but, is quite fragile on the inside.  It is hard to see him lashing out like a caged animal.

I know how he feels truly know.  When I get the feeling like I am trapped or just completely overwhelmed with stress I tend to lash out too.  It is a horrible feeling because you really do feel like a caged animal and you just sort of 'snap' because you feel if you don't get out at that very moment you might never make it out.  My son is experiencing that a lot lately and it is so hard to watch.

Yesterday I had a meeting with a bunch of the people involved with him at his school and expected to work out his schedule for me to home-school him starting in 2 weeks(just after spring break).  They all sat there and told me pretty much flat out, "no" to homeschooling.  They had an answer to every concern I had and while it felt good yesterday during the meeting, today I find myself upset that I caved.  I am not sure if I caved or not but, I feel like I did.

So, now they are going to try doing a behavior test on him to see what triggers him, what his patterns are because as of right now, there truly don't seem to be any patterns or triggers.  My question is, why didn't you do this behavior test that you need to 'observe' him for a length of time, back in October, November, December, January, or even February?!  Why did you wait until AFTER I say I am pulling him out of school?  Actually, they did mention the test at conferences in mid-February but, we went on vacation.  But, I still believe all the paperwork should have been filled out and ready to go for his return from vacation!

This is my precious son you are talking about and my guy is so smart and way too smart to not like school and to not being doing well in school.  He has a heart of gold and is really funny.  It hurts me to the depths of my soul that he isn't able to find his place in 'life' yet.    It hurts me even more that my husband and I were right, he needed the stability of being at the same school with the same teachers and same friends for a long period of time and that is why we had chosen Calvin for him and Calvin ended up not working for him.  There are days I truly believe that he never stood a chance at that school because they didn't want to put in the effort.  Because I have seen so many other children similar to Seth succeed there. 

It is hard when your son is the one that absolutely WILL NOT give any respect to strangers or to those he doesn't know.  Unfortunately for him and us you have to earn his respect but, once you have it, you have it.  For our son to be switching schools a lot, to never see the same friends in the halls, to have different people around him all the time.  It takes time to get to know the quirks of my son, he would have benefited so much from the stability of going to ONE school with the same friends and a small school.

Now, I see my son acting like a caged animal again, just clawing his way out and trying to escape a stressful situation that very few adults would be able to work through let alone an 8 year old boy.  I will not stop fighting for that guy!  He is my son, my only son and I KNOW he has a place in this life, I KNOW there is a school out there for him, I KNOW he will be successful someday and when it all comes together it will just sort of 'click' together and work.

It is hard being a parent!  No one ever tells you your child might not fit in, they might not be successful in school no matter how hard you try and they might not have friends.  Then, no one tells you they will eventually know they don't fit in, they know they aren't successful in school and they know they don't have friends and then, no one tells you how strong you have to be on the outside and how much your heart will break on the inside.  No one tells you how you need to find strength you never knew you had to help your son and how much you have to be his advocate and how much you have to fight to give him the 'basics' that seem to come so easily to most children.

Well, I don't have any answers for any of you going through something similar but, I can tell you, right now I have this really strange peace surrounding me and I have this incredible 'ahhhhh' in me right now.  I have absolutely no more answers than I had yesterday, really I only have more questions but, somehow, someway I am at peace with the not knowing and I feel light and like I am floating almost.

Truly, life seems to be crumbling all around me with my son's education, his school situation and a lot of other things I just am not ready to share yet and I have undeniable peace about everything.  I feel like I am walking on air or like I am being held up and all I can think of is the footprints poem.  For I know Jesus is carrying me right now, he is holding me and carrying me through this time in my life and not letting me go it alone and is taking the burden off of me.  It is incredibly hard to explain if you haven't felt it before but, Praise God because looking at what is happening to our lives right now on paper, they are falling apart yet, not only me but, my husband too...we are being carried right through it all.

Blessings to you all!

-Liza

Here is a copy of one of the Footprints poems:

http://www.llerrah.com/footprints.htm

Merry F-ing Christmas!

Good Evening Everyone!

Can you tell I am a bit stressed out about Christmas and it is still/only 12 days away?!

I find myself angry, upset, even crying!  Yes, today I actually weeped so hard I cried myself to sleep and missed the whole first half of the Vikings game.  What is going on here?!  Christmas. 

Christmas this year seems to be more of a 4 letter word than the joyous occasion of Christ's birth.  I officially envy all those people that don't do gifts on Christmas.  As the time ticks down, I find myself angry and yelling at my children constantly.  Why?!  Because I am already stressed out about all the crap they are going to start bringing into my house that they won't clean up.

My basement looks like a bomb went off everyday and everyday I ask the children to clean it up and everyday they whine and pout and stomp off or cry.  So everyday I get angry, I scream, I yell and nothing gets cleaned up.  Or, if I do pick it all up, they come down, pull everything out and play with it all and not 2 days later you can't even tell I have cleaned up.

I can't tell you how many times I have told them over the 8 years we have lived here, NO FOOD IN THE BASEMENT!  Yet, every time I go down there, there are food wrappers, bowls, silverware, glasses thrown into the corner between the 2 couches.  We have this great square cube that I bought last year to store all of the Wii games and remotes in it PLUS, the TV/VCR remotes.  There is NOTHING in that thing and the top is thrown across the room.

I have a really nice bookshelf for movies and DVD's, nothing is in its case, the movies/DVD's are strewn all over the floor down there.  We have a great IKEA shelving unit with doors to and each child has their own entire unit to themselves.  They are mostly empty as the toys are all over the floor.  The baby can't play in the basement without tripping over something, especially the laundry pile at the bottom of the basement steps.  Why?  Well, because some f-ing genius put the laundry chute in the hall in the basement and made a laundry room the size of a small closet.  Then, my darling children have decided it is just SO much fun to play in the laundry pile and throw it all over.  OR my favorite thing is when they don't want to put away their folded laundry and they just throw it back on top of the dirty pile and I don't notice it until I am sorting laundry and realize half of the stuff I just threw in the washer was clean!

Also, you add that my darling husband has his closet and bathroom down there and he very similar to my children can't seem to understand cleaning up or putting things away as I often find his clothes from the day before strewn over various couches and chairs throughout the house.  Not to mention his numerous jackets he hangs on the banister at the top of the stairs so, it makes it not only impossible not to step on them when trying to go down the basement stairs but, you can't grab onto the banister and it makes very scary when my baby is climbing up and down those stairs over coats.

Yes, I am frustrated, I am stressed out and I am overwhelmed by Christmas already.  I DO NOT want my children to get any more gifts!  I could care less if they ever had anything new again.  They are selfish and refuse to help me in anyway around the house.  I would give my children the world if only they would help me clean the house just once in a while!  Money doesn't work, they could care less about allowances because we have this stupid thing in our house that they shouldn't have to earn things, they are children.  BS!

Listen, I am stressed, I am NOT thinking nice, warm and fluffy thought about Christmas.  I an NOT thinking joyfully about the birth of Jesus and I do NOT have sugarplums dancing in my head!  My house is messy, disorganized, bursting at the seams with crap and I am sick of it!  I am busy too people!  Yes, I know I don't work, I know it is MY job to organize the schedules, to cook all the meals, to clean all the clothes, to do ALL the Christmas shopping, to volunteer at the schools, to make sure the children are in sports, to buy all the birthday party gifts, to bake all the cookies and snacks, and to make sure everyone is happy and healthy.  I get that.  That IS my job but, sometimes, my job, my schedule and my life gets TOO hectic and I get overwhelmed and it would be nice if my family could see that happening or take some of the load off sometimes.

Granted, I totally suck at being Martha Stewart, listen, I am not even Rachel Ray!  But, crap, I try, I really do.  Maybe I try too hard at somethings and not the right things?  I know my husband wants me to make HOT appetizers for parties, especially hot dips.  But, honey, I SUCK at making those things!  Especially dips!  I can make so many other good apps.  Isn't that enough?  Can't we start focusing on what I am good at instead of trying to get me to do more! 

I will never be an ironer, I will never be a seamstress, I can't make homemade stockings, I don't know how to knit more than a scarf and a hat, I don't know how to make a good artichoke, crab or spinach dip.  I just don't. 

My girls won't wear bows in there hair no matter how much I try, my son won't wear a tie, and my husband doesn't wear socks(actually none of us do, sorting socks is exhausting to me!).  I will never have gleaming floors, clean windows, or dustless blinds and ceiling fans.  My dogs will always smell and my cats will always need to be brushed. 

But, my children are healthy, my children are fed well, I am a great cook, I can bake pretty well too.  I adore watching my children involved in sports and activities and very rarely miss ANYTHING they are in.  I will ALWAYS cry when I see them on stage or when they score a goal because I am so happy for them!  I try to make sure their teachers have gifts, their friends have gifts and they have all the jeans, hats, and whatever else they need for their plays, recitals, and shows. 

I may freak out every once in a while but, I will always love my family and they will always come first.  I just want a LITTLE in return once in a while.  Just a little appreciation for the stuff I DO do around the house.  I don't always want the focus to be on what I don't do, what you don't have, what I don't have, and what I/you want. 

Life is so much more than this, it has to be.  Christmas is about the birth of our Saviour nothing else.  Next year, I pray it will be different, I pray there will be less gifts, less running around, less selfishness.  I know with 4 children ages 18 months, 6, 7, and 8 it is hard but, someday, some year I KNOW it will all pay off.  I know this, it is the ONLY way I can keep going some days.

So, as I sit here feeling so much better for just getting all of that off my chest, don't live your Christmas like me this year!  Relax, take a breath, breathe it all in and smell the smells, hear the sounds, and see the lights.  Remember the reason for this time of year as truly it really is only all about Jesus and we all need to get back to that.

Blessings to you all!

-Liza

Stop making excuses.

Good Morning Everyone!

I don't have a lot of time this morning, ha!, when do I ever have a lot of time?!  Anyway, I do need to start waking up children pretty soon.

I think today I am going to talk about something I have been hearing a lot on the radio talk shows and I think it needs to be addressed.
Why do we feel like we need to apologize as a country to so many people?  What changed in our country that we have decided no one is to blame for crimes they commit, no one is to blame when they bomb our country, we must have done something to make them upset, and when an Army Major shoots his fellow Army men and women it isn't his fault and we should understand because those people were getting ready to go and fight against Islam.

Really, I just heard a snip of an interview from the BBC of an American that actually BLAMED the shot and dead soldiers because they were getting ready to fight Islam and it was their fault they got shot.  Hold on here bucko!!!  What?!!!!

http://mypetjawa.mu.nu/archives/199501.php

Then yesterday when I was listening to another show I heard that after 9/11 we actually had a committee that investigated, not who did this to us but, why they did it to us and what we did wrong to them to make them want to hurt us.  Plain and simple people...they HATE our freedom, they hate our religions, they hate us!  However, they hate us yet, many of them leave their oppressive countries to come to America, a country they supposedly 'hate' and raise their children here, attend our schools for terrific educations, take advantage of our great health care system(Oh sorry people, really looking around the world, we have a GREAT health care system) and they work great American jobs for great American wages.  I can see why they hate America so much.

Ok now, calm down!!  I don't think ALL Muslims or people of Islam hate us, I believe most actually like us and our troops.  It is the extremists.  But my question is why do they come here then and why do they raise their children in America but, raise their children to hate America?  And WHY as Americans are we allowing this to happen and we are for some reason taking the blame?
It almost sounds to me we are one of two things as a country, we are either bleeding hearts and believe we can create a Utopia in our world and everyone can live in peace and harmony.  Hey...if we can't get it to work in our own country, what makes us arrogantly believe we can do it around the world?!!!!  My second deal is we sound like we are an abuse victim making excuses for our abuser.  It is the ole, "Oh, you don't know what they are like when we are alone, they really are nice to me..." act!!!

So, are we the Utopia country or the abuse victim country?  Either way, we need therapy and counseling immediately!

It is never ok to shoot our people at our Army bases, it is never ok to fly planes into buildings, it is never ok to gun down innocent people anywhere!  People that do that have issues, don't make excuses for them!  I remember when the Oklahoma City bombings happened, we were angry as a nation, we were upset, we cried together and we didn't make excuses for those losers!  We put them in jail and we threw the book at them!  Was it because they were 'one of us' and that made it worse?  Are we now to a point where if you are white and American you are going to get the book thrown at you for Terrorism (which yes, I believe the Ft. Hood tragedy is) but, if you are an immigrant or you aren't 'white' or you aren't a Christian you can get away with terrorism on our soil?  It feels like it to me.

It seems like we have become so overly politically correct that we are now becoming a joke of a society where hate to say it but, it is the cause of us starting to lose our freedom, lose our sense of safety and we are becoming the butt of jokes around the world.  We are causing this to ourselves. 

I wish life could be fair, I really do!  I wish everyone could all have the same opportunities...hey WAIT, we live in America we all do have the same opportunities!  We all have free public education, we have the freedom to go anywhere in the country we please and you can get any type of job you like, here is the kicker...as long as you are willing to work hard to get it!  OH>....now it makes sense to me, we have created a politically correct country that doesn't feel people should have to 'work' for their opportunities anymore.

I have been the red-headed step/child my whole life(literally) and now, I feel like I am again only because I am a Christian woman, married to a Christian man, we are both ugh, gasp Caucasian, we are both college educated, my husband is a business owner and we are upper middle class.  We are the people that suck in this country all of a sudden because we have worked hard, our parents worked hard, our grandparents worked hard and now...we are being punished by our own government for that.  We need to stop giving to the people in our country that aren't willing to work hard including the people that HATE our country. 

I have a love for my country that brings me to tears every time I sing the National Anthem at a ball game, I stand with my hand on my heart, I sing the song by heart, and I tear up thinking of all the sacrifices our founding fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, and children made for MY freedom. 

Now, I feel like that freedom they all shed blood for is slowly going away and as a mother, it scares me.  What sort of country am I leaving for my children?

Stop making excuses for people, stop making excuses for criminals, stop making excuses for terrorists, stop making excuses.....period!

It is Veteran's Day today, take the time to thank, really thank a veteran and take the time to think about what your life would be if you didn't have your freedom that they so gallantly fought for!!! 

If you don't like America good news, you can always leave America...if America sucks so bad...there are plenty of other countries in the world that you might find a lot more enjoyable, more like the Utopia you so crave.  Hey....if you have a wife, or a daughter, why don't you head over to Afghanistan or Iraq...I have heard women are treated very fairly over there.

I am sorry this is so negative today but, come on people!  It needs to be said, that is why I call this blog the "Outspoken Mom Blog" not the "I bury my head in the sand blog".

Blessings to all of you ESPECIALLY our troops both here and elsewhere!  Blessings to all of you veterans!

-Liza

Friendships, life and Faith.

Good Morning Everyone!

I am veering off my Food Allergies blogs for a moment.  I decided today to talk about something so important...friends.

Last night I was very blessed to be able to hang out on a boat with some other moms for an evening.  It was wonderful, on so many levels.
Just being out on the lake on a warm summer night, no children, no husbands, just 5 friends sharing stories and time together.

I think so often in the rush of life, we forget how important it is to connect with friends, especially true for us moms.  I was always the girl that hung out with the boys, they were easier for me to be friends with.  I never really had a group of 'girl friends' that I just did stuff with and giggled with and walked through life.

Ohhh, a little interruption here...my beautiful little girls just walked past my office.  They were dressed up in their finest dress up clothes, shoes and jewelry.  One had her pink backpack on and the other had her cowgirl hat and a pink bag with her, it was a firestorm of pink that was standing before me!  They waved to me, blew me kisses and said, "Goodbye Momma, we are going on an airplane."  I looked at them, blew them kisses and told them, "Adios".  Then, as they walked down the hallway, I heard one say to the other one, "Should we go to Colorado?" 
Oh, my heart is over-flowing with love right now:-)

Ok, back to the blog....

I guess I have always missed the meaning of girl friends until the past few years.  Really, I have missed the true value of friendship overall for years.  Slowly, women are pulling me out of my comfort zone and pulling me into friendships and relationships that I could have never expected or even known how much I needed.

The stories that were shared, the things we all learned about one another in 6 short hours was nothing but a miracle set before us by God I am sure. 

See, what I haven't shared with anyone is lately, my faith has been wavering.  Not because of any tragedies or really for any particular reason but, for over the past couple of years, my faith has slowly been slipping away it seems.  Actually, let me rephrase that, my faith in God is strong, I believe in God, I believe Jesus Christ is my Savior but...lately, my prayers have seemed empty, almost forced.  My faith has seemed forced or like I am just saying what I think needs to be said, or praying what I think needs to be prayed with no heart, no love behind those prayers.

With all of my children in public schools, weekends this summer at the cabin and no church, things are just sort of slipping away for me with my faith.

I truly believe God put last night into my hands and said, "Go."  I believe God put the conversations that we had on the boat there, I believe he was on that boat with us the entire time, guiding conversations, thoughts, and friendships.  I can't even explain how our conversations went, how they spun from one amazing story to another, how God was a constant in our thoughts and words last night.  It truly was the night I needed to bring me out of, for lack of better words, my faith slump.

I think it is very easy to get comfortable with the friends you hang out with all the time.  I think especially for me, it is easy for me to just be with one group because I am not very organized with my time and I am not very comfortable or good at having a lot of friends.  I am much more comfortable(only because it is easier) to have only a few friends.  But, that is not how God designed me or anyone else.  We are to be in a community with others.  We are to walk with others, talk with others, and get out of our comfort zones. 

God never promised us comfort, peace, or security.  We live in a fallen world, nothing is promised. 

If I am to be the woman, the mother, the wife God intended me to be, I need to walk outside of myself and put myself out there, be friends with God's people and be strong in my faith.  I need to be a leader for my family, I need to put my own fears aside and my own weaknesses and stand up and teach my children about God, his love, and his world.  I need to devote myself not only to my family but, to my faith, to my friends, and most importantly, to my God.

No longer can I use excuses about not knowing the Bible or its verses, I need to start memorizing scripture, and living in the word.  I need to read my Bible daily, read it to my children daily and study it, not just read it but, really study it. 

God put me on this Earth for a reason, I don't really know what it is yet but, I will never find out why he put me here if I am always so focused on 'me' instead of Him.

Last night my heart was filled with laughter, love, and God.  Last night I hung out with amazing faith filled women and strong faith filled women.  I learned that all of us struggle with things in our lives.  We all have children, we all struggle with family, health, children, husbands, life.  We all struggle with schooling our children, doing what is right for our children, we all share the same struggles!
The struggles might look different like a hook in the eye compared to a pale white child in a diaper.  But, they are the same struggles and they all bring us back around to each other and to God.

I can't imagine how I lived a life without God for 28 years.  I can't imagine how anyone lives life without God.  I remember how lonely it was and how many lies were believed as truths.

Last night one of my friends hit it straight on.  She was struggling with something with one of her children and in a moment she questioned things, she heard things in her head that she knew were lies, were not of God and she threw them away, threw those thoughts out of her head and 'crash', the words crashed away and her thoughts were clear again to the truth of God.  It was powerful and meaningful and amazing to hear.

As mothers, we often are too busy changing diapers, running children around, picking up the house(not me but, other moms), making meals, and just living everyone else's life but our own.  I strongly believe Satan loves it when we are like that.  He loves it when our lives are hectic, our families are apart, our meals are rushed.  He loves it when our prayers are short, our tempers even shorter, and our days and schedules are long.

I am filled with one excuse after another as to why I don't do things outside of the home, why I don't have the friends I need, why I don't study the Bible like I should, why I don't do Devotions, why I don't have time to do women's Bible study's, or why my children don't have the knowledge and the love for God they should.

It is time to put those excuses away.  Those are the words and thoughts of Satan, not God.  God did not intend for me to be lonely, he did not intend for me to be a stay at home mom that never leaves the house.  He did not intend for me to only have 1 or 2 girl friends I can call at the drop of the hat and talk to.  No.

God designed me to flourish in the company of other God filled women/mothers, he designed me to teach.  He designed me to teach my children not only academics but, also of his patience, his love, and his word.  Why can't I learn along with my children? 

Listen, I know I will never be Martha Stewart, I may always be a bit 'spacey' and disorganized in the home but, I don't have to be that way in my faith and my friendships.

Today, I am stepping out, I am taking back my faith, taking back my love for God and taking back my children and my family and my friends from the lies that Satan fills our heads with.

Thank you dear friends for last night, thank you so much for showing me what a true faith filled life really looks like.  It isn't perfect, it isn't always great and bad things still happen but, when you have the word of the Lord guiding you, it just makes it seems that much easier and that much less lonely to walk through.

I challenge all of you to walk out of your comfort zones, to find those people that fill your life, that fill your spirit.  I challenge you to reconnect.  Find friends you can walk through life with, you can sit on a boat with for 6 hours and never run out of things to say.

Please pray for me and my faith journey as well as my friendships new and old and not yet formed.  Pray for wisdom only God can give me in raising my children and loving my husband.  Just plain pray!

Blessings to you all!!

-Liza

S E X and Marriage...or lack there of.

Good Morning All!

Ok, so I am finally doing it...well, not just that but, I am also finally writing an entire blog about S E X.  Yes I am.  I am excited for it because I think it is sometimes a taboo subject and it really shouldn't be. 

I think it sometimes is especially hard for us Christians to talk about it because of so many reasons and yet, the Bible talks about it, there are MANY verses in the Bible about sex and yet, many churches stay away from it and WHOA, if you are Catholic, phew....heaven forbid you ever talk about it! 

I remember growing up we were told "NO birth Control", NO sex before marriage", "NO...self exploration"(sorry, I just can't say that 'other word').  In fact, I will never forget a story my Grandmother told me a few years ago before she died.  She had gone to her priest looking for help because she didn't want to get pregnant again and her priest told her, "Abstinence Elaine, that is how you don't get pregnant.  You need to control your urges and practice abstinence."    My Grandmother then told me, "Well, obviously that didn't work!  I couldn't turn him down ALL the time!" 

Oh my poor Grandma and Grandpa for that fact.  Can you imagine her trying to get help and feeling like going to her priest was the right answer and some guy who has never had sex in his life and isn't married telling her that?!  No wonder Catholics typically had such large families, you are told can't use birth control(including rhythm method) and yet you want to be close and share something intimate with your spouse. 

That puts a lot of pressure on a couple.  No wonder my Grandparents marriage didn't survive, my Grandmother barely survived having 6 children and really didn't want that many and so, I am sure a horrible cycle of disliking sex because of not wanting more children and then of course, starting to relate that all to your husband....just a horrible cycle there.

So, I thought I would today write about sex and how much or how little is in marriages today and hopefully provide some tips on how to increase your sex life...maybe even your sex drive and at the very least, give you some humor to walk away with.

Ok, here goes.  I will start with my marriage a little bit and hopefully not upset my hubby too much :-)  LOVE YOU BABE!

Well, as most of you know, we didn't really 'walk the walk' when it came to our faith and having sex before marriage.  As very obvious by our son being in our wedding photos!

I don't really look back at our dating life pre-children as much of a reference to anything in our relationship because we were two VERY different people than we are now.  However, unfortunately, my poor hubby feels sometimes he was to quote, "Sold a bad bill of goods."

See....hmmmm, let's just say we liked each other A LOT!  In my pre-mommy days, I was a bit more 'active', 'exciting' and more willing in the old 'workbench' (bed) as my husband so fondly calls it.  Now, I find myself much more 'reserved' than I used to be since becoming a parent and a Christian.  I am not sure if it is more one or the other or what but, I am definitely not as 'good to go'.

In fact, I would say after 4 children and 7 1/2 years of marriage, I think our sex life is finally starting to make a bit of a rebound.  It isn't ever going to be the daily or almost daily it once was, in fact, it often isn't even weekly.  However, it is definitely becoming more exciting and more frequent...meaning often more times than just once a day.  Get my drift?

So, what has changed?  Well, for one, our baby is sleeping through the night, our other ones are gone more and are easily distracted for some quick(and sometimes REALLY quick) mom and dad time.  So now, instead of waiting until bedtime when we are way too tired we find ourselves having a quickie whenever we can.  When we do have more time, like when the older ones are gone and the baby is sleeping....oh...that is really fun!  That is when we have LOTS of fun in bed :-)

We have also gone back to some of the fun things we did dating and all of our time together isn't always in bed anymore.  It also isn't always reciprocated.  I WILL NOT go into more detail there...sorry folks, use your imagination.

I still don't have nearly the drive or the ambition I once had and unfortunately our children are still around A LOT so, the frequency is still on the low side but, that good ole libido is slowly coming back and so is the adventurous side.

No, we are not into public places or anything like that...no backseat of the car..ew.  But, it is really fun when we do get together and that is all that matters.  Many times, just thinking of the 'fun, fun' stuff we did holds us through until next time. 

Now, there are moments when it really is 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am' sex but, that is always good in a time crunch and good to just get a little to tide us over until next time.

I know we aren't the only couple that has sex issues.  I also know many couples that don't have sex issues.  First of all, let me tell you all, there is NO magic number of times you should have it a week.  Also, you can't compare your sex life with those of your friends..first of all, if you are married, I don't think you should be telling a lot of intimate details of your spouse to others.  It can open up a lot of ugly doors even if unintended and it can also cause issues in their marriage.

But, it is OK to talk about too.  It shouldn't be taboo and you should be able to talk about it if you are struggling or just have questions but, remember not everyone is married to the same person and not everyone has the same sex life.

For years I was stuck on this 'magic number'.  I couldn't believe I was supposed to be having sex everyday with my husband!  What?!  I really struggled with that.  Now, I realize someday we might have it everyday but, right now, we have taken the approach that when we actually do get a chance to doing it, lets make it super fun and exciting.  So, that is what we have done. 

We have a friend who has been trying to convince their spouse that all of their friends are doing it at least 3 times a week and many are doing it everyday.  Our friend is telling their spouse this to try and get more sex.  Ok, first of all, telling your spouse, "Well, everyone else is doing it." is NOT going to work.  It sounds like something a girlfriend or boyfriend says in high school or college to their virgin partner to just get them to do it at all. 

Number one rule:  NEVER compare your sex life to your friends sex life to your spouse.  Good way to get even less my friend.

Your spouse is not dumb and if you tell your spouse all of your friends are doing it a lot, your spouse will ask your friends.

I did get some good wisdom from another friend of mine, who by the way....I think by far has sex more than any of us.  Could be wrong but, thinking they outnumber all of us in the amount category.  Anyway, my friend told me that for men sex is like their way of communicating.  For example:  Women like to talk to their spouse, they feel loved when they are talked to and can talk to their spouse.  Men feel loved when they are having sex with their spouse.  So, if you think of it as when the husband wants sex, he really wants to 'talk' it makes sense.

So for the woman, when you long to have a conversation with your husband and he has been too busy or gone a lot or preoccupied and you haven't talked in a long time, how do you feel?  You might feel unloved/under-loved, lonely, sad, etc....

Well, when a man hasn't had sex in a long time with his wife, how do you think he feels?  Really, it makes sense.

My husband has always been one of many words, and really eloquent with his words.  Here are a couple of his favorite phrases when it comes to sex or lack there of.

-Guys can stick it anywhere and it feels just as good.  Give us a hole in the wall and it is all the same.

-If you aren't going to give it up, your husband will eventually find it somewhere else.  Whether his hand or another woman.

Don't you all just hear the romance in those phrases?!  LOL.  I love my guy because he just says it.  It is true though, I think sometimes women can shut it off and we think our husbands can too but, really they just turn down the volume.

I can almost guarantee your husband knows the exact date your baby turns 6 weeks old.  They will never know how old your child is again but, they will know when they are 6 weeks old. 

I think it is sometimes hard for women because we are constantly touched by our children all day long or if you are like me and still nursing, your boobs get touched enough, you don't need your husband pawing on them too.

Yet, my husband thinks I am super sexy when I have those big nursing boobs.  In fact, many times he has told me, he never hears what I am saying because when I talk all he hears is, "Look at my boobs, look at my boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs."

I truly believe that as yesterday in church, he couldn't stop staring at them.  Yes, in church people.  I think he would take me right then and there if we could find a room.  Who am I kidding, I know he would!

Sex is like anything in a marriage, you have to find that balance.  Your children will always be there.  You will be tired, your life is not your own and more often than not, someone will be around you all the time other than just your spouse.

However, having children is also only a temporary excuse as to why you aren't having a lot of sex.  Sex is very important in a healthy marriage.  Couples need to be together like that.  You need to know that is your 'man' or your 'woman' and make them feel special and loved.  Even if you feel your sex life is hopeless, I tell you it can be saved.

It might be something you have to schedule...sounds horrible but, you might have to do it.  My husband and I have a standing date night every Monday night.  We know every Monday we are getting out of the house at 6pm without any children and we will have 3 or 4 hours of uninterrupted 'us' time. 

First of all, I would highly recommend you have a standing date night with your spouse.  It is not only good for you and your marriage but, it is good for the children to see their parents together as a couple and not just mom and dad.  It is very important for your children and their sense of stability and family to know that mom and dad's relationship is the FIRST priority.

Back to date nights...we aren't having sex on date nights, in fact we rarely do but, for those of you that need a date and time on the calendar, there is your date and time every week!  You can be guaranteed sex at least once a week.  Men, just take your wives out on a date feed her with good food, good conversation, maybe a cocktail or two to loosen her up and then take her home and have fun!  Or, if you can't do it at home, revert back to high school and do it in the car or at a park or rent a room for a couple hours.

Listen, a hotel room at a decent hotel will cost the same and many times MUCH less (especially during the week) than dinner and a movie.  Have fun with your sex life.  Find new and exciting places, ways and such.  It is ok to experiment a bit.  It isn't like your husband or wife is going to think you are weird and even if they do, big deal...it won't last long. 

Try a position you have never tried before, add lingerie or other things, I don't care what you do but, do it. 

Your marriage is the number one thing in your family and sex is a very big part of your marriage.  I am certainly not perfect in this and many times unfortunately I have turned my hubby down or pretended to be asleep so he wouldn't ask me for it however, I have also started asking him for it more often.

Let me tell you ladies, that is the way to do it!  Nothing excites a man more than having his wife ask him if he wants it or better yet, having her make the move.  Wow, Steve LOVES it when we are laying in bed and he is asleep and I whisper, "want to have sex" and then kiss him...WHEW, watch out!

I think often it becomes boring, monotonous, same/same.  I think other people stress out about having sex with the same person for the rest of their lives.  I think others thought it would be different some how but, don't really know how.  Sex isn't easy.  Just like marriage, it takes work, it takes effort but, that work and effort pays off dividends people.  It really does, I promise.

I don't know the right answer for any of you, I don't know how you can make your sex life more enjoyable, more frequent and more just plain fun.  I just gave you all a few things that I have heard from others and that have worked for Steve and I. 

Hey, if you have any suggestions...this would definitely be the blog to comment on just please keep the comments relatively clean and un-vulgar like.  Thank you.

Blessings to you all and have I challenge all of you to do something exciting this week with your sex life and surprise your husband/wife.  Do something you have never done before or if you schedule your sex dates, have sex on an unscheduled day!  Whew...you never know, you might just have fun :-)

Here's too a little sex in your sex life!

-Liza

Log in MY eye.

Good Afternoon Everyone!

What a great day it has been the past couple of days here in Minnesota!  The calm before the storm.  We have had a great weekend and my children are on spring break this whole week.  I have nothing planned but, sometimes that is more fun.

A quick update on my husband's cleanse...he is on day 8.  He has lost OVER 20 pounds and he still doesn't have a ton of energy but, he feels better if that makes any sense.  It has been hard for him to watch everyone else eat and to make some meals for the children however, I am so pleased with him that he is doing this and not giving up.  Only 2 more days for him!

I am still trying to eat more often and smaller meals and I am doing really well....until about 8pm.  Then I gorge!  It is really bad.  I think some of it has to do with I am really a late night snacker and also that is when Steve has been heading off to bed or someplace else and I have been trying not to eat around him all day and then at night, I feast.  So bad, I know.  I am working on it.

So, this morning at church, I was so moved by today's sermon that I felt I needed to make a blog out of it and other things I have been learning about in my Bible Study.  I feel truly convicted by what was said today and what I have been reading in the Bible.  I often find myself saying in my head things like, "oh, that would be so helpful for so and so...oh I wish my mom could hear this....oh my children need to hear this..."  LOG IN MY EYE!  These people don't need to hear it, I do!!!! 

I know it is hard for all of you who know me to believe this but, I am NOT perfect.  Yep, I will say it again, I am NOT perfect!  I am so many logs in my eyes sometimes I wonder how I can see at all.

So, today's sermon obviously was about the Sermon on the Mount.  I have heard it before but, for some reason today, it just hit me in a different way.  It hit me in so many ways.

It blends in so well with what I am studying in Galatians too...wow, it is almost like it is all from the same author...lol.  So, we have been learning about Grace and about rules in church.  Sometimes we let the 'rules' get in the way of Grace.  There are so many rules sometimes in churches.  Have any of you ever noticed this?

Some were said today by our Pastor and some are rules I have lived by and others are ones I just know.

Some church rules:

-no dancing    

-no meat   

 -just confess and you are saved no matter how you live your life or what is in your heart

-no drinking of alcohol

-no impure meat

-nothing that isn't Kosher

-there is more than one God

-people can be Saints

-only certain people can take communion

-must Baptize babies

-follow holy sacraments

Oh the list could go on and on!  First of all, what I have read and heard over and over again in Galatians and in my studies is, if it isn't in the Bible, if God didn't say it directly, it is man's law not God's and it takes us away from God not brings us closer to him.

Being raised Catholic, I followed a lot of 'rules' growing up.  Yet, I now understand why I never understood the rules and why it didn't seem right to me.  I mean, you can't get divorced(which IS in the Bible) if you are Catholic however, my parents were divorced and so were my grandparents.  You aren't supposed to use birth control however, my mom was on the pill and I was too and that was 'ok' for some reason.  You can't have sex before marriage yet...back to the pill thing and my mom lived with my step-father for 3 years before they got married.  (I do say, I agree with the no sex before marriage...as it is in the Bible, I just didn't understand the hypocracy of it in my own home).

You cannot receive holy communion unless you are Baptized and on that note, we were told if you weren't Baptized, you wouldn't go to heaven.  You can't get married in a Catholic church if you aren't Catholic.  You MUST go to confession, then when you are done confessing to a mere mortal(the Priest) he tells you how to 'save yourself' by how many hail Mary's and Our Father's you must say on your Rosary. 

These are not all God's rules, many of these are rules put into place by man.  They are sometimes impossible rules to abide by.

Now the other part of today's sermon was, God does not have political agendas.  God does not promise us health and wealth if we 'just do this or that'.  It says in Matthew 7:13-27 to ask, seek, knock...ask and it will be given to you, seek and you shall find it, knock and the door will open. 

Another part that really hit me was, the path and the door that is the widest often leads to destruction...many will enter it.  The small path/gate leads to life and only a few will find it.  I agree so much with this!  How easy is it to just follow the crowd.  It is hard to stand by my convictions.  Sometimes it just seems so much easier to follow the path of the fallen world.  It is easier to look away from those in need, brush aside that lost child, brush aside my husband who needs me, not study my Bible for I would much rather catch up on my emails and gossip on the Internet!

Oh, the LOG in my eye.

Or what our children learned about today, do not build your home on a weak foundation.  It sounds simple enough, the man who builds his home on rock instead of sand has the stronger foundation.  Same thing with our lives.  We are only as good as the teacher we choose.  Hearing and studying the word is NOT the same as putting the word into practice.

I have all the tools to be everything God wants me to be however, I rarely put them to use.  I am often quick to judge and slow to forgive.  A big question I found in my study Bible..."Are you more likely to trust until proven wrong or distrust until a person proves himself?"  Oh wow.  Wow.

Matthew 7: 1-7 really hits home with me.  "Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."  "Why do you look at the speck of dust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank (log) in your own eye? ....you hypocrite....(ok, that word got me huge...you hypocrite, yes, yes I am)...first take the plank (log) out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Wow, how many times do I find myself judging others or criticizing others actions?  How many times do I judge people on their personal appearance or look down upon those that may not seem to live up to MY standards?   

How often do I take the time to find out who these people are in God's eyes? 

Another good things I have heard to go with all of this...relates to gossip and judging others.  Is what I am saying blessing this person or distressing this person?  Am I helping them with my words or hurting them with my words?   Same with my actions, am I Blessing or Impressing?

OH....wow, let me say that last sentence again...when I am speaking God's words, or doing God's work, am I doing it to Bless or Impress?

I am so far from perfect, I am still a large work in progress, I am still learning, I am still growing.  I hope I never stop learning, growing, and become perfect....for then I know, I am not living my life according to God's word.

Blessings to you all,

-Liza

All is forgiven

Good afternoon everyone!

I am just home from Bible Study and it is a wonderful and rainy day.  Oh yes, raining in February in Minnesota.  Yuck.  Plus, almost all of our snow is gone now.  I can see the piles upon piles or dog poop in my backyard now...BLECH!  Seriously, that is so gross!

Why can't dogs be potty trained like cats to just poo in a box of some sort.  Can't I train our dog to just go in a large sandbox type deal in the backyard?!

Anyway, that is not my blog today, phew I am sure most of you are saying.  Today I am actually writing about something I have struggled with for a long time and I am so grateful I am learning more and more everyday about God's grace and love.

Being raised Catholic and in a non-Christian home was really hard I think.  Yes, I was Catholic and yes, a non-Christian too.  I didn't have a relationship with Jesus Christ and I didn't think that Jesus was my Lord and savior and I knew he died on the cross but, it didn't feel like it was truly for MY sins.

Today in our large group at Bible Study I learned something I needed to hear.  Since the day I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, I am reborn.  I have been saved and I am born again.  The sins of my past life before I knew the Lord no longer define who I am.  I am new in the eyes of the Lord and I should be new in the eyes of myself too.

Well, it has taken me until today to figure that out.  I have heard it before but, for some reason it didn't take hold until today.  I am new, I am reborn, I am born again and my past sins do NOT define who I am in the eyes of the Lord.

Praise God!  I have let the sins of my past still linger in my life today.  I have struggled with feeling like a hypocrite in raising my children to be strong in their faith.  I have often wondered how I can raise my children to be strong, to follow the Lord and life the life he wants them to lead if I didn't do that growing up. 

I thought I was the pretty typical teenager/young adult until I met my husband, started surrounding myself with believers and realized nothing I did growing up was as my husband likes to say, "anything to write home about"  That is a very mild way to put it.

I did it all, I smoked, I drank, I did drugs, I had sex, I lived a pretty rough lifestyle for someone who for all intensive purposes was still a child!  I thought I was above the law many times.  I thought I knew more than my parents and I fought authority.  I didn't want to be a 'goody-goody'.  I pressured my friends who were living a better lifestyle than I was to come to the dark side.  I pressured them hard.  I fell for every lie that was told to me.  I did it all.  I fell for all the lies and I told all the lies.

That lifestyle has haunted my brain for a long time.  No more.  I didn't know about God's love.  I didn't have a relationship with him.  I didn't have guidance and I didn't understand the freedom that comes from knowing the Lord and living in his word.  I had always known I wanted to know the Lord but, he had a plan.  He always has a plan.  I believe that.

I know that we all have free will and God gives us that free will because he wants us to choose him.  He will always be there for us, actively pursuing us, just waiting for us to turn to him and accept his never-ending love.

My life hasn't been perfect and I don't expect it to be.  God doesn't promise us things will be easy or things will always be good.  But, he does promise us his love.  He gives us freedom from this world.  He gives us grace and with his grace, he gives us peace.

I have that peace.  I have had it for many years now.  I just didn't necessarily believe I deserved that peace because of my past.  Now, I am willing to accept that peace and continue to follow God and the paths he chooses for me and my family.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring but, I know that my yesterdays are all forgiven in God's love.

Blessings to all of you today.

-Liza

January 22, 1973, a tough subject.

Good Afternoon Everyone.

I want to warn you all that what I am going to write about today will probably be controversial.  It is something that weighs very heavy on my heart being both a Christian and a parent and I don't think it is nearly the black and white issue people believe it is and there is a dangerous slope our country could easily slide down without even knowing what we are doing.

Sigh, big inhale, big exhale.  The subject is Abortion.  I am sure I lost a few people right there with that word.  However, I hope the rest of you left continue to read through my blog all the way and try to have an open mind.

I am writing this because I just read something on the Drudge Report about a 32 year old man ramming his SUV into the front of a Planned Parenthood in Ramsey County.  However, that wasn't the headline!  The headline reads, "Minn. abortion clinic rammed by SUV -- on Roe v Wade anniv....."

Quite the catchy headline for sure!  About a year ago I wrote to the editor of our local city newspaper about all of the mislead people who had been writing to the editor about a proposed Planned Parenthood (PP from now on) in Richfield.  Everyone was saying, 'not in MY town', 'we don't want abortions here', only big city folk have abortions, etc.

Let me first say, I have been all over the map in my beliefs about abortion.  Really, all over the map!  However, now that I am a parent and a Christian, I feel where I am is where I will be.  At our old church it was put in a way I will never forget and that finally made sense to the whole pro/against abortion issue. 

Until we(you and I) are able to stand up behind these women who feel abortion is their only option and walk beside them, we can't condemn them.  What that means is, we can't just tell them, don't have an abortion or tell them about adoption choices.  We need to find out more.  We need to stand with these women/girls and lift them up.  Help them with their most basics needs and that might be anything from housing, to a job, to support, to helping them finish school, to whatever place they are at in their life. 

Our pastor told a very good tale of what it means to stand up and walk with one of these girls.   Not sure how he started it but, there were 2 women who had been friends for a long time, raised their families together, etc.  In fact, their children often called the other one their aunt instead of just a friend of their moms.  One day one of the women's daughter came up to the other one and told her she was pregnant and scared to tell her mom and that she wanted her to go with her to have an abortion.  Well, this woman told her she would stand next to her while she told her mom.

The girl was scared that her mom would kick her out of the house among other things.  The woman told her if she did, she would take her in even if it caused stress in their friendship.  She believed it was far more important to help this girl out and to help her so she wouldn't have an abortion. 

Well, they did tell the mom(this woman's long time friend) and the mom did kick the girl out and stopped talking to her friend too.  So, the woman had the girl move in, she helped her find a job after school to save up some money and helped her with school and such.  After the baby was born, the girl decided to keep the baby and the woman that had taken her in then helped as she could with watching the baby while the girl finished high school.

Now a friendship was lost as the women never did get that back however, a life was saved.  Not just the baby's life but, the girls too.  The ending of the story is the girl did end up graduating from high school and even went on to graduate from college.  It wasn't easy but, she is so grateful she didn't have that abortion and she is also very grateful that she had an adult other than her parents to talk to and turn to in her time of struggle.

So, our pastor said, unless we are willing to step in and help out, we cannot judge those for their decisions because we don't know their circumstances and we don't know if this girl/woman was raped, or if her parents would throw her out, or if even something as just shame about her situation.  If we don't know what they are going through, it is very hard to judge them.

I struggle a lot with the people that stand outside of clinics and yell at these women/girls going in and telling them they are baby killers and they need to change their minds.  Or the worst are the ones that say God hates them or God is going to condemn them.  You don't think that these women/girls have already in a way condemned themselves?How often is it we hear stories of people walking up to these girls/women walking into these clinics and genuinely talking to them, trying to find out their story, asking how they can help, asking them what they need?

It is time that we let God do the judging and we try to be more like Jesus and walk with these women/girls.

Now, my 2nd point with this whole subject.  Planned Parenthood or PP is NOT just an abortion clinic.  In fact, there is only one PP in the entire state of Minnesota that actually performs abortions and that is the one in St. Paul. 

PP is NOT in the business of trying to eradicate babies like so many people think.  PP is in the business to try and to prevent unwanted pregnancies from happening in the first place however, if they do happen, they want to give women/girls another option too.  However, what many people don't know is PP also does adoption counseling and placement, STD testing and education, HIV tests, annual exams/PAP smears, birth control, body image help, men's health, pregnancy planning, pre-natal care, infertility, help for parents in talking with their children about sex, and the list goes on and on! 

They are really in the business to help and to educate people.  They provide low cost exams, low cost and sometimes free birth control, they educate every person that walks through one of their doors about pregnancy, birth control, STD's. 

In a time of rising STD's among our youth ages 15-25 (with Syphilis making a comeback), rising health care costs, more and more people without health insurance.  PP is not in the business of 'killing babies'.  They are so much more than just an 'abortion clinic'.  They are a great help to the community and to parents and children alike in educating people so that hopefully they won't get themselves into a bad situation.

So, next time you see a PP please don't cringe and think that person walking in there must be a baby killer.  Also, unless you are willing to walk with someone in their journey, please don't condemn them.  You don't know what they are going through and you haven't walked in their shoes.

Blessings to you all and I hope I don't lose any of you as readers, I hope I just got you to think a bit.

-Liza

Grace and Peace

Good evening everyone.

Life has been a little busy lately.  I am throughly enjoying every minute of it though!

I had my 2nd week of Bible study today and I have to say, Galatians is the place to start!  At least for me it is.  It has really opened my eyes to a few things already and I can really feel God speaking to me through this book in the Bible.  I do love how God works, it is just amazing to me.

I have also had it reaffirmed to me that we aren't 'lucky' we are 'blessed'.  Things don't happen to us because we worked hard for something or because we deserve it!  Things happen to us because it is God's will and if we are following his word, he will show us the way.  It is very true.

I learned today that God gives us Grace and without God's Grace, you cannot have Peace.  So true!!!

I know this for fact.  There is no reason my husband and I should be together.  Absolutely no reason.  Many of you know our story and there is nothing we did to get ourselves to become a family.  We know that only by the Grace or God did we become a family and find our Peace.

Our story is long however, I think it is truly a testament to God's love and enduring love for us.

Steve and I dated for about a year.  Things happened, we broke up.  Well, we were not really 'walking with the Lord' in our relationship or in our break up.  About 2-3 months after we broke up, I found out I was pregnant.  Not good!  I called Steve to let him know and he promptly said, "It isn't mine."   A lot of things happened that summer when I found out I was having a baby. 

People I didn't know rallied around me.  Steve's brother in law got me involved with an Alpha group at a church and I was starting to find a peace within me I had never felt before.  I didn't have a good job for I had quit my really good job with free health/dental benefits and great wages just weeks before I found out I was pregnant and I was only working part time that summer.  There is absolutely no reason I should have been as calm as I was.

Even my mother rallied around me.  She was very supportive, loving and helpful.  It was truly a blessing.  I had more friends than I had ever had in my life!   People were coming out of the woodwork to walk beside me in my pregnancy.  Not all were Christians but, I know all of them were sent by God.

Steve and I very rarely talked during my entire pregnancy, in fact, he actually had a girlfriend while I was pregnant.  Now, for those of you who knew me before I got pregnant, I was sort of 'psycho' when it came to many ex-boyfriends.  I would freak out a lot especially if I knew they had left me to go to another girl.  I never had been so 'peaceful' about anything in my life.  It was something I couldn't explain but, I knew even though things on paper seemed really bad, things were going to be just fine.  I wasn't in denial, I was just calm.

Then came that fateful day; October 15, 2000 (the birthday of a good friend of mine).  I pray I never forget that day and how I felt that very moment!  I went to church that morning, just like every other morning.  I knew Steve was dating someone however, I had never seen them together, until church!

I was sitting in my usual spot toward the back and happened to glance toward the doors.  I instantly started to breathe heavy and all the peace and calm I had felt instantly was wiped away.  There was Steve standing in the doorway with his new girlfriend, talking to his sister(who happened to be a pastor at the church) and they each had their little to go coffee's in their hands.  My mind instantly filled with all sorts of thoughts and panic moments.  How could he?  Did they sleep together since they have coffee in their hands?  Oh, the thoughts, the feelings, it was unbearable.   I had to get out of there but, the worst part was, I was going to have to walk right past both of them!  Would she recognize me?  Did she even know about me?  Oh the stress, the emotions, I couldn't handle it anymore.

I quickly stood up and walked as fast as I could past them with my head down.  Did they see me?  Oh, I didn't care, just get me out of here!  I barely made it to the bathroom before the tears and flood of emotions filled up inside of me.  They burst out and I fell to the floor in a slow motion heap.  I just sat in the corner, with my legs curled up to my chest and just sobbed into my hands.  I couldn't help it.

A woman walked into the bathroom and asked if I was ok.  I told her I was fine.  Of course, I totally wasn't and I really didn't look it!  She asked if I needed any help, I just told her no.

She went into the stall and when she came out she washed her hands, looked at me in the mirror and said, "I know you are pregnant.  I know that something happened with your ex-boyfriend and I would like to help you.  Would you come sit with my family and I during service today?"  I was shocked!  How did she know?  I was barely showing and besides, my legs were pulled up to my chest!  Did she know me?  Did she know Steve?  Did someone send her in here to check on me?  I asked her how she knew.  She said she didn't however, when she walked into the stall, she prayed for me and God told her I needed help and I was pregnant and my boyfriend had caused me some great pain.  WHAT?! 

Something about that comment, instantly stopped my tears.  I told her she was right about me being pregnant and told her what had just happened in church.  She helped me up, I washed my face and followed her out of the bathroom.  As we approached the auditorium, she whispered to me, don't look at him, don't think about him, just follow me and focus on the stage.  I did. 

During the sermon, the pastor seemed to be focused and talking to me the whole time, what was going on here?  I normally would be very self-conscious however, I felt that inner 'peace' again.  It was much stronger this time though.  I sat through the service, thanked the woman and her family and went home.

I was just south of downtown Minneapolis when it 'hit' me.  I started laughing, crying, and screaming all at the same time!  I smiled, cried, and screamed(in joy) some more.  I laughed super hard and said, "Thank you God, thank you!"  I quickly dialed my church's phone number for we had a hotline called, "Braggin on God".  I left a message telling them what I had just experienced.  Again, wow, just amazing!  I laughed some more and then, just started to weep.  Not out of sorrow but, out of joy.

Why?  Because as I hit that bend in 35W just south of Downtown, it all hit me.  Everything, and I mean everything that had just happened at church that morning, I had dreamed about the night before.  Right on down to what I was wearing!  The whole thing I had dreamed about and I had forgotten until the drive home.

I had dreamed that Steve and his girl friend came into church with their coffee, I had dreamed, I couldn't handle it and went to the bathroom, I had dreamed someone came into the bathroom and said, "I know you are pregnant."  The person who came into the bathroom was different but, the words and actions were the same.  I had even dreamed of the exact spot of where I sat with her family!  Even the pastor speaking to me, directly to me was in my dream.  It was crazy and fantastic all at once.

I instantly knew my life would never be the same again.  I knew from that moment on, my life would be dedicated to God and I would follow him.  I knew everything would be ok and I knew finally, I knew that God really did exist.  Not just in the Bible, not just to other people, he really existed in my life and he knew I had to be hit over the head with a hammer to finally trust in him and follow him.

Sunday, October 15, 2000.  The day I was 'born again'.

So, the rest of my pregnancy went along fine.  I still had a lot of people rallying around me.  I had great friends and a good small group in my Alpha group.  Even old friends I hadn't seen in a while came out of the woodwork and just walked beside me.

Then, early February, I get a call.  It is Steve.  He is wondering how I am doing and if I have any more birthing classes left.  A quick update...I had kept him informed of all of my appointment, classes, and such.  Not because I wanted him there but, I didn't want him to ever say, "I never knew" or "You didn't tell me."

So, I tell Steve I have one birthing class left and he asks me if he can come to it.  I say yes.  Again, not because I want him but, he is the father, I won't deny him being there if he chooses.

He goes with me for the last class...which weirder yet, is on February 14, 2001.  So, we finish the class and all of a sudden, he wants to be at the birth.  Ok.  I am still really calm.  Not like the 'normal' Liza or I should say the past Liza. 

I was due March 22, 2001.  I am overdue.  Steve is around a bit more because it is close to my due date.  Saturday, March 31, 2001 I start having a few things happening.  It is weird.  I am set to be induced on Monday, April 2nd.  Then, Sunday, April 1st I am at church with Steve.  His sister walks by me and says, "Liza!  You are in labor aren't you!"  I said, "I think so." But, nothing was too steady. 

All day on Sunday, I am feeling weird.  However, no, I can't have a baby on April Fools Day!  But, I don't want to be induced in the morning either.

I need to be at the hospital Monday morning at 7am for my induction.  Steve is planning on spending the night on the couch so he can be there in the morning plus, I have had contractions all day. 

At just after 10pm, I need to get some sleep.  I get ready for bed, Steve comes in and tucks me in and prays for me/with me.  It is just about 1030 pm.  He prays we have a save delivery and covers me in prayer for safety and comfort.

Before he is completely done with the prayer, my contractions are about 2-3 minutes apart.  I didn't want to be induced in the morning but, I also didn't want an April Fools baby! 

We walk over to the hospital(I lived right behind it).  Yep, in labor.  Contractions are every 2-3 minutes and gaining strength.  They tell me I should have a baby in a couple hours.  Yeah!  I don't have to be induced! 

Well, I checked in at 11pm Sunday night.  I labored all night and all day.  Finally at 320pm Monday, April 2, 2001 Seth Christian was born.  Steve was there the whole time, so were a lot of other people!  Steve held my hand, stroked my hair and was so great and so calm.

When Seth was born, they handed him to Steve and Seth looked up at him and just yelled at him! (We have a great photo of that moment!)  I will never forget the moment and my life has never been the same since.

Steve came around and stayed around.  He was at my condo everyday after work.  He slept in Seth's room on the floor for the first two weeks and would bring me Seth when it was time to feed him.  He was great.

Over the summer Steve and I started to talk about trying to date each other again.  I was re-baptized that summer by Steve's sister on July 14, 2001; my 29th birthday. 

I went back to work beginning of September, actually, September 11, 2001 was my first day back at work and away from Seth.  He was at home with my mom and Steve was at work.  Right before I walked out the door to work, I saw a plane had crashed into one of the World Trade Centers.  Wow, it was a sight.  I thought not a lot of it.  Until I was in the car and heard the radio host say, "Oh my God, another plane just hit the other tower, Oh my God, this isn't an accident!" 

I got to work, called Steve and he said, he heard the whole thing over the mic at work from the New York offices.  I told him to get out of his building and go get Seth! 

Well, I will never forget where I was at that moment just like many of you and I will never forget my feelings.  However, as Steve says, we are one of those couples who 'got together' after 9/11.  For within a week or two of 9/11 we decided we should get married.

We got married December 22, 2001.  We are still married and now have 4 children :-)

We know that God brought us together, we know that we wouldn't have the family we have now if it wasn't for God and we both know that we have nothing if we don't have God in our lives and in our children's lives.  Our family wouldn't exist without God.  I also believe he chose certain dates that would have meaning and would help me never to forget his love.

Most of the people that had surrounded both Steve and myself(individually) during my pregnancy are not in our lives anymore.  It was definitely a God thing those people.  Steve's Bible Study group disbanded shortly after Seth was born, my Alpha group sort of faded away after our wedding.

It wasn't because we pushed them away, I truly believe those people were put in my life and in Steve's life to set our path in motion and to bring me to Christ and Steve back to Christ.  Even though we don't have contact with many of those people anymore they will forever be a part of our walk with God and be a huge part of our faith journey.  God really does give you what you need in life.

Without God, we wouldn't have Grace and without Grace, we wouldn't have the Peace we have felt over the 7 years of ups and downs of marriage and parenthood.

Grace, Peace, Joy, Love.  We have it all and we have it all because we have God.

Blessings to you all,

Liza

Pain and unsure of the right decisions

Good morning everyone!

Ok, if you are in Minnesota, another brrrrrr morning.  I think we are almost out of the deep freeze though.  I really didn't want to bring the baby out in todays weather but, I knew I had to drive my 5 year old to preschool and I had a friend finally coming to a Zumba class with me today.

Well, my 5 year old set the course of the day in a different direction when she told me her belly hurt, got a weird look on her face and threw up all over the dining room floor.  It's ok, I really did need to wash that floor anyway!  So, decision made, we are not leaving the house today, oh darn.

Really, I am thrilled she threw up, I really don't like these types of days.  I don't mind them for myself but, I don't like bringing my peeps out into this type of cold, especially the baby.  So, I am hunkered down until my 1st book club tonight.  Yea!  Oh yes, forgot, I am starting in a book club with some girl friends of mine.  Very excited, I have never been in a book club before either so, this should be fun.

Does this mean I am finally becoming an 'adult'?  I am not just playing soccer for my time away but, I am also now in Bible Study and Book Club?  Wow, look out world, Liza Schwab is growing up :-)

So anyway, on to the blog.  First, the pain part.  Actually, this is the physical pain part of the blog.  Last night, I broke my first non-New Years Resolution type deal.  After hearing a friend of ours say he wasn't going to spank his children anymore because they were getting too old and they could be reasoned with instead, I decided that was a really good thing to work on so, I adopted it for myself.

Well, last night, I broke it however, I paid dearly for it in my own pain.  Long story short, I had put everyone to bed, read with them, prayed with them, etc.  I went downstairs to watch a little TV and get ready for soccer.  I can hear footsteps, they are messing around!  I let them do it for a while, then about 15 minutes after their warning, I go upstairs fully intending to spank my 6 year old.  I caught her trying to wake up her little sister and she had already woke up her brother, I was mad and she was being naughty!

So, I caught her as she tried to run past me, I grabbed her arm to lift her up and went in for the spank.  OH, the pain!  Not her, me!  She turned at the very last moment and my forearm whacked into her knee.  I fell on the floor in a heap.  I couldn't feel my hand, my arm was throbbing so bad I actually lost my breath!  I just laid there, for a moment I actually thought I broke my arm.  Not good.

Well, the pain finally became somewhat manageable and I walked downstairs to finish getting ready.  I am at this point still not entirely sure I haven't broken my arm however, I have learned my lesson!  No more spankings in this house from me.  No way, lesson learned.  Wow.

So, I went to soccer with my arm still throbbing and unable to bend my wrist without pain.  I am a little late and we are short 1 girl so, I run out onto the field.  Just as I am getting out there, someone passes me a ball.  I quickly look upfield and kick it, SNAP!  Ouch, what on Earth!  My neck, oh my neck.  Something snapped in my neck, instantly I can't turn my head either way, my shoulders are instantly cramping up, and my arm still hurts.

Ok, ok, I get it, I am not supposed to spank anymore!  So, I had to play the whole game unable to lift my arms above my head, unable to turn my head more than a little big to either side(hard to do when you play defense) and I have throbbing pain in my left arm and both shoulders and neck.  Wow, is this what it is like to get old?

By the time I finished the game, I could barely move.  When I got home, I was almost immobile from my neck to my waist.   This should be a fun night of sleeping.  Thankfully the baby was only up 6-7 times instead of her normal 10-15 times lately.  So, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

I know I need to go to the Chiropractor but, oh, that will hurt so bad since my muscles have completely tightened up.  I think I will wait until tomorrow to go.  Anyway, so, that is my physical pain part, isn't it pathetic?!!

Now, my emotional pain/parenting pain/am I doing the right thing pain.  Our son is 7, he is in 2nd grade.  He is one of the neatest little guys I have ever met and he is a spitting image of his daddy and me if that is possible.  If you have ever met him, there is something inside of him that captures a piece of you immediately, he is definitely a cool little guy.  Well, he is also tough sometimes.  He has Asperger's Syndrome which is on the Autism Spectrum however, he is VERY high functioning and really, to tell you the truth, Steve and I don't think he needs any 'special' treatment or things like that. 

Well, after 2 years of struggling more than we ever imagined with my son's schooling and frankly, seeing our sons will being broken and our faith really being tested.  We quit fighting with his school to keep him in there and sent him to the local public school.   He actually has done really well there and has blossomed as a student, learner, and a little boy.  He has friends at school he plays with and he really is learning what it takes to be a 'student' in a classroom and to be responsible for your own actions.  He is finally understanding boundaries and all is well.

I know I should be happy about that, I know that I should be happy he likes his school, I know that I should be thanking God for this opportunity for our son.  I am grateful for all these things and I do thank God everyday that we are getting our boy back and he is flourishing in his new school.  I struggle, on a daily basis about his school though still.

Steve and I still don't feel his local school is good for him, we miss the 'love' and the parent/family connection at his old school.  It is very difficult to get to know other families at this new school.  Yes, we know a few however, very few are actually families in his classroom.  We love his teachers and the Special Ed. department people are fantastic.  But, something still isn't sitting right with me.  I still don't think this is the right place for my son.  I thought that feeling would go away but, it hasn't.  In fact, it is getting stronger and stronger and I find myself fighting back tears somedays. 

This isn't where he belongs, I know it down to my soul I know it.  Our son is a loving little guy.  Relationships mean the world to him.  He likes to be able to connect with people and teachers and families.  That isn't able to happen here.  He also isn't getting the amount of free time/recess I think is needed and his school lunches are disgusting and small.

I think our local schools have lost focus on so much and frankly, it is hard to see.  We were very spoiled by the 2 recesses a day at his old school and how the parents were the playground supervisors not hired staff.  We loved how they played soccer, basketball and were able to be free and explore.  They can't even bring a ball or jumprope out onto their playground at his new school and heaven forbid they run! 

The lunches at his old school were catered and were healthy, big, and yummy.  Every Thursday was my sons favorite meal, salad.  It was either Chef Salad or Chicken Caesar Salad and he loved those days.  Well, his lunch today at his new school is Italian dunkers, Garden Salad, and Pineapple tidbits.  Sounds good right?  Oh gosh, how wrong we all are!  I have eaten lunch with him a few times and the food is horrible and the portions are so small he is starving when he comes home from school everyday! Same thing with our Kindergartener and she rarely eats!

I don't know what the Italian Dunkers look like or how many you get since Seth can't eat wheat.  However, I know that the 'tossed salad' is served in a souffle cup.  It is less than 1/2 full of shredded lettuce and some have dressing on them and some don't.  By the way, there is such a small amount of dressing, you can't even taste it!  Then, the pineapple tidbits, everyone knows how small those are and you get maybe about 10 of them, that actually might be a bit more than what you get.

That is it, that is their lunch!  Growing children cannot live and learn and thrive on that size of a lunch!  One time I went and it was hamburger or hotdog day.  Both the hamburgers and hotdogs were cold and the french fries, all 10 of them, were still frozen.  Yuck!

So, my heart aches.  My mind wonders, are we doing the right thing?  Can't we find a place were our family can be involved, we can play on the playground together, we can find a place were our faith can be celebrated and our son can not only get the small amount of help he needs (he takes 3 10 minute breaks a day in the special ed room and gets a small amount of extra help in the classroom via picture charts in addition to the normal things in the classroom) but, he can also get the love he so desires and longs for.

We prayed he would return to his old school for 3rd grade but, he doesn't want to.  The bad memories and experiences now far outweigh the good ones in his head.  He wants to continue in the public school system and we are ok with that however, where is the love?

I pray about this every single day often many times a day.  It still isn't leaving my head or my heart that this isn't where he belongs or where he can get the right education for him and the love and affection he needs too.

I need to go as the baby is screaming mad right now!  Wow! 

Blessings to you all and please continue to pray for our family and that God will lead us down the correct path and we will follow it.

-Liza