Good Morning All!
My girls went downstairs to play so, I have a quick moment alone so, thought I would seize the moment and blog!
Have you ever been so confused with your life you just sit there and go hmmmmm? As many of you know, we have been having problems with our son in school again this year! After having a good year last year, he is back to stressing out and lashing out in school and it is breaking my heart. My son has a hard exterior but, is quite fragile on the inside. It is hard to see him lashing out like a caged animal.
I know how he feels truly know. When I get the feeling like I am trapped or just completely overwhelmed with stress I tend to lash out too. It is a horrible feeling because you really do feel like a caged animal and you just sort of 'snap' because you feel if you don't get out at that very moment you might never make it out. My son is experiencing that a lot lately and it is so hard to watch.
Yesterday I had a meeting with a bunch of the people involved with him at his school and expected to work out his schedule for me to home-school him starting in 2 weeks(just after spring break). They all sat there and told me pretty much flat out, "no" to homeschooling. They had an answer to every concern I had and while it felt good yesterday during the meeting, today I find myself upset that I caved. I am not sure if I caved or not but, I feel like I did.
So, now they are going to try doing a behavior test on him to see what triggers him, what his patterns are because as of right now, there truly don't seem to be any patterns or triggers. My question is, why didn't you do this behavior test that you need to 'observe' him for a length of time, back in October, November, December, January, or even February?! Why did you wait until AFTER I say I am pulling him out of school? Actually, they did mention the test at conferences in mid-February but, we went on vacation. But, I still believe all the paperwork should have been filled out and ready to go for his return from vacation!
This is my precious son you are talking about and my guy is so smart and way too smart to not like school and to not being doing well in school. He has a heart of gold and is really funny. It hurts me to the depths of my soul that he isn't able to find his place in 'life' yet. It hurts me even more that my husband and I were right, he needed the stability of being at the same school with the same teachers and same friends for a long period of time and that is why we had chosen Calvin for him and Calvin ended up not working for him. There are days I truly believe that he never stood a chance at that school because they didn't want to put in the effort. Because I have seen so many other children similar to Seth succeed there.
It is hard when your son is the one that absolutely WILL NOT give any respect to strangers or to those he doesn't know. Unfortunately for him and us you have to earn his respect but, once you have it, you have it. For our son to be switching schools a lot, to never see the same friends in the halls, to have different people around him all the time. It takes time to get to know the quirks of my son, he would have benefited so much from the stability of going to ONE school with the same friends and a small school.
Now, I see my son acting like a caged animal again, just clawing his way out and trying to escape a stressful situation that very few adults would be able to work through let alone an 8 year old boy. I will not stop fighting for that guy! He is my son, my only son and I KNOW he has a place in this life, I KNOW there is a school out there for him, I KNOW he will be successful someday and when it all comes together it will just sort of 'click' together and work.
It is hard being a parent! No one ever tells you your child might not fit in, they might not be successful in school no matter how hard you try and they might not have friends. Then, no one tells you they will eventually know they don't fit in, they know they aren't successful in school and they know they don't have friends and then, no one tells you how strong you have to be on the outside and how much your heart will break on the inside. No one tells you how you need to find strength you never knew you had to help your son and how much you have to be his advocate and how much you have to fight to give him the 'basics' that seem to come so easily to most children.
Well, I don't have any answers for any of you going through something similar but, I can tell you, right now I have this really strange peace surrounding me and I have this incredible 'ahhhhh' in me right now. I have absolutely no more answers than I had yesterday, really I only have more questions but, somehow, someway I am at peace with the not knowing and I feel light and like I am floating almost.
Truly, life seems to be crumbling all around me with my son's education, his school situation and a lot of other things I just am not ready to share yet and I have undeniable peace about everything. I feel like I am walking on air or like I am being held up and all I can think of is the footprints poem. For I know Jesus is carrying me right now, he is holding me and carrying me through this time in my life and not letting me go it alone and is taking the burden off of me. It is incredibly hard to explain if you haven't felt it before but, Praise God because looking at what is happening to our lives right now on paper, they are falling apart yet, not only me but, my husband too...we are being carried right through it all.
Blessings to you all!
-Liza
Here is a copy of one of the Footprints poems:
HE will carry you and your family. Hang in there. Don't feel like you caved. You will get this worked out. You are too involved in your son's education for it not to work out. Be encouraged.
Posted by: Jenelyn Russo | March 19, 2010 at 06:57 PM